Let’s get this out of the way quick. Don’t Fuck in the Woods is bad. Like really bad. If that’s all you wanted to know then you are more than welcome to take your leave of this review before I completely savage this movie. Seriously. I knew literally nothing about this, and with a name like it has I went in expecting something akin to Cabin in the Woods, or Final Girls. Oh, boy for one line of dialogue it might be, but for the rest it’s an utter shit show of sex (which I’ll touch on soon), Dollar Tree scares, and shittier acting. Directed by Shawn Burkett, Don’t Fuck in the Woods centers around a group of horny teenagers who go out in the woods to have a good time. And by good time I mean sexy time. And by sexy time I mean they find out something is hunting them. You all know the drill by now.
Don’t Fuck in the Woods is pretty straightforward in that it’s pretty stereotypical slasher flick. I don’t think anyone can get mad at that, because at most they are enjoyable for some reason or another. You have your three caricatures (A jock, his horny cheerleader girlfriend, and the stoner), along with the lesbian couple, and their friend who seems so out of place from this group of stereotypes it made no sense. They all fit into the well-worn types as much as I would as the obligatory Black Guy in the group. But that’s it. There is absolutely zero chemistry or effort between any of these actors, and the dialogue is the worst I’ve heard since Attack of the Clones. It’s porn levels bad, and I don’t mean the laughable kind (Do note that one of the characters has an extremely pornographic dream upon the audience first meeting him, and I mean down to the goddamn plumber outfit). As I said I was expecting something more tongue in cheek, and to what this viewer saw, that cheekiness is only over said in one line of dialogue about how Scream Queens have been reduced to hot girls running around naked and just screaming (The author wishes to argue that this merely what Scream Queens are, but then I have not seen every slasher movie under the sun, so I will refrain). There is nothing funny about this movie, no sassy humor about their situation and how similar it seems to other slasher flicks, no winks to the audience. Nothing. Its dull and void.
Moving past the shitty acting, it also has to contend with how cheap it looks. And by this, I mean it looks like they had the camera from ten years ago do most of the shooting, because it looks like crap. I’d argue just like the acting, it’s also superbly pornographic and haphazard. And believe when I say, that I do not fault them for not having the budget they needed to make something bigger. But I’ve seen many others work with far less, and still be quite exceptional. The same can be said about the music which sounds like the cheapest metal they could afford and in zero ways does it add to anything other than being out of place. But hey there are good things, right? Sure, maybe. It’s fleeting at best. The creature itself has an interesting design, and its one they don’t hide for long. It looks like a more demonized version of the Gill-Man from Creature from the Black Lagoon, and is clearly where all the money went to. And all of this is good until you find out that the creature kills teenagers because its attracted to sexual activity, and then eats their genitals once they’ve been sexed up (all of this is shown but never really explained why or how)? Which given the case for why it kills the hapless teens, it then starts killing those who haven’t had any sex, and thus throws its own logic out the damn window!
Look, let’s be frank here; throughout the extremely brisk but not short enough 73-minute runtime I was under the impression I was watching a porno. It’s not lost on me that I’ve brought that word up many times throughout the course of this review, and that because that’s exactly what this movie felt and looked like. All of the effort seemed to be put into those scenes in particular, and while most slasher films like Friday the 13th do have copious amounts of nudity and sex, this film seemed to hone in on it despite itself. It was awkward and all I could do was root for the creature to off them quickly despite the kills and gore itself being quite lackluster. I wish I could say something redeemable about this film I do, but unfortunately there’s nothing remotely good or even decent about it. It’s bad, bad, bad, and I say stay away. So, if you want something meta or cheeky, Scream and Cabin the Woods are still out there for your endless enjoyment. Do yourself a favor and skip this one.